


The Darkness Within Me

by RyleeRussell3



Category: Destiny (Video Games)
Genre: F/M, I'm Bad At Tagging, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, This Is Why We Can't Have Nice Things
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-02-12
Updated: 2019-02-15
Packaged: 2019-10-26 15:03:11
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 11
Words: 19,795
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17748116
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RyleeRussell3/pseuds/RyleeRussell3
Summary: Kesia is a guardian, more specifically a hunter. She's one of the Tower's best, but she hasn't been seen in a very long time. Not that she was out on a long mission, but she's been locked up in her room. The reason why? Her fireteam had been killed right before her own eyes on a mission that went bad. She blames herself for it.Zavala wants her back out, and so do the other two vanguards. But, Cayde is the one sent to get her out and moving again, he has to train her, and get her comfortable outside. Can he do it? Or will Kesia be stuck in her darkness for the rest of her life?





	1. Prologue

**Author's Note:**

> I hope you guys like this story...I was totally devastated when Cayde was killed and I've been writing things with him for a while now. Cayde will always be my favorite character, and I hate Bungie for killing him off.

It had been months since my fireteam had been killed, months. Yet, I was still locked up and in my room in the Tower. I hadn't left, and I didn't want to.

I could still remember their screams for help, their pleas for me to save them. Though, I hadn't been fast enough, I hadn't been able to reach them in time. One by one, they all died. Their ghost's had been shot in front of them, and then they were killed.

I can still see the terror in their eyes as it all went down. When those fallen had gotten too much and too strong for the five of us to take. It had all happened so quickly. We had just been scouting, and then we had gotten fired at. 

Now, I'm the only survivor. And I hate myself for it. The loathe I feel for myself is too much for one person to take. Though, I have to deal with it. Because I can't kill myself without killing my ghost, and I can't do that.

He's the only family I have left. Killing him would be like a betrayal and I don't betray the people I love. But it felt like I betrayed my fireteam. They were the people who had trusted me, and I had failed them all. 

Flynn, the titan. He was the first one I had met. It was at the farm, just after the Red Legion took the city. He was a gentle soul, filled with laughter and kindness. The sort of man you could fall in love with. I had never met someone who would do anything for the person he loves.

It was what happened. Me and him became the lovers of the fireteam. And I truly did love him to death. 

He was brave, and loyal to a fault. If you were almost down, he'd use his own body as a shield to keep you out of harms way. He'd done it many times for me. He's the one I miss the most, and the hole in my heart where he once was will never be filled by anyone else.

Then, there were Alex and Keaton, both warlocks. They were like brother and sister. They never left each others side. If one went down, the other would cover them until they were back up. I had met them second, Flynn and I had.

When we had invited them to be on our fireteam, they had agreed almost instantly. They were full of sarcastic answers and pure love for everyone around them. The world did not deserve them.

And our final person, his name was Alexander, Xander for short, he was a hunter, like me. He was one of the quiet hunters, the one where he'd never utter a single word unless you got him alone and told him something of your own first. 

He had so much bottled up over the years, and he'd been somewhat hesitant to join our fireteam when we had all asked him. He had taken a few days to agree to it, but when he joined, he became more of an outgoing hunter.

A few weeks after he had joined, he was laughing and talking more often than he used to. He had told us that we had changed his life and that he was glad he joined us.

I wish it had never happened. I wish I had never started that fireteam. They would all be still alive if I hadn't had the idea of it. Flynn would still be out, protecting everyone. Alex and Keaton would be having fun and messing around. And Xander would still be alive, secretive and alone, but still alive at least.

I had never wanted to die before that day. I had always felt like this life would be the greatest. I had met the man I wanted to live with. I met the people that had become my family, and we were going to live through everything with each other.

Now that they're gone, nothing felt the same. I feel useless, and empty. I feel the weight of their deaths on my shoulders. 

It practically is. The cloak over my shoulders had been a gift from them. They had given it to me after our 50th successful mission. It was a black cloak, with dark blue designs on the left side. I had worn and taken care of it since that day.

They had all said it was Flynn's idea to buy the cloak. To which he had denied and said it was all of their ideas. I had just shaken my head and said thank you.

All I want, is nothing more, but to hear them knocking at my door. Because if I could see their faces one more time, I could die a happy woman. If I could tell Flynn I loved him, one last time, and to feel his arms wrapped around me, I'd be able to die in peace.

But I can't do that. Because they are all gone. They're all dead, and it's my fault.

So I'm stuck here. Because I can't go out their and see all the faces of the living. It reminds me of the people I have lost, and the people that I have yet to lose. But if I don't ever get close enough to care for them, then I won't lose them.

And I won't have to feel this pain again. And I don't intend to.


	2. "Who does he think he is?"

I sat up from another sleepless night on the couch. As soon as I did, my eyes set on the picture in the frame on the table next to the couch. It was of me and Flynn. It was our fourth date together, where we were at the top of the tower looking at the stars.

I had been leaning on his shoulder, and our hands were on top of each others. I was smiling with a closed lip smile, and my eyes were closed. I looked to be in absolute bliss. Flynn was gazing up at the stars, his mouth wide open in joy at something he had just said.

I remembered that moment perfectly. It had been the best night I had ever had. Flynn had just said he loved me, and after the initial shock of it, I had said it back.

And that very next day, we had gone on that mission, and I hadn't come home with him in my arms, smiling and in joy like that. Instead, I was in agony, with him in my arms without that smile I loved on him.

I looked away from the picture, before it could make me burst into tears again. I gazed around at the apartment. The kitchen/living, what we used to call the front room was no longer comforting. 

I used to come home from a mission, whether it was rough or easy, and I'd be ready for Flynn to wrap me up in his arms. He'd be waiting up for me when I'd get home late at night. He'd always bring a smile to my face and he'd always be there for me to cry on.

Everything feels empty now. The bedroom, the sheets, the front room where we had always gotten in food fights almost everyday. I hadn't been able to sleep in our bed, I hadn't really been able to go in there at all.

I've kept most of my clothes and different armor out here in the front room. 

I swung my legs around the side of the couch to sit up more. I sighed through my nose and brought my hand up to rub my face. I then got up and walked over to the fridge and opened it. I looked down to find nothing in the fridge. 

Though, I wasn't looking for food, no, I was looking for more beer. 

I sighed to myself and shut the fridge door. I didn't want to leave, because then everyone will ask if I was okay. Or they'd stare at the once great guardian who didn't lose a fight. They'd see the woman who lost her world and the woman who gave up.

I can't look people in the eyes anymore. I can't let people get too close, and I can't let them touch me. The feelings and the memories continue to haunt me and keep me from doing so. Going out there, is going to be hell. 

It's been three months, and I'm sure I will never be ready to leave this apartment. I might as well just sit here and rot until I was beyond saving. The world will be fine without me, they have been for three months.

I turned around in my spot, gazing around at the kitchen. There were no dirty dishes, everything was clean. The only reason why, was because I had to make myself busy to get the feelings to go away. But it hadn't helped, and I had done more harm than good to myself.

I had the same clothes on that I had since I locked myself up here. Not feeling the need to change into anything else. The black tank top and gray sweats were dirty and stained. And, they didn't hide what I've done to myself.

The scars along my arms did nothing to hide my true pain. I had done it to myself a few days after my fireteam died. I had broken the mirror in the bathroom, and had taken one of the many shards. My ghost--Lucas--had offered to heal me, but I had said no.

He told me that they would scar if he didn't, and I had said that that was the reason why I didn't want him to heal them. The scars will be a reminder of my guilt, of what I've done. And they will never go away, and they will continue to build up.

They had gone on both arms, traveling from my wrist, to the top of my shoulders. I had stopped there, and that was as far as I had gone.

I hadn't cleaned up the shards, and I hadn't cleaned up the blood. I left it there.

Lucas has given up on asking if I'd leave or get some help, because I'd refuse him each time. I had even refused when he offered to call someone himself to get help.

I sighed again and walked toward the couch to sit down and sit in silence again. It was the best thing I could do for today. 

But then, there was a knock on my door. At first, I didn't do anything, I froze in place. Then, the person knocked again and I said, "Go away!"

Then, the person knocking spoke up. "Come on! Is that anyway to talk to your vanguard?"

My eyes widened slightly and I decided to do nothing but sit and wait him out. He'd leave at some point.

"Are you going to make me wait out here all day? Because I will." He said.

I rolled my eyes. I stood up off of my couch, grabbing a long sleeve shirt as I went. I pulled it on to hide my arms and went to open the door. When I did, sure enough, my vanguard was standing outside my door.

"What do you want?" It wasn't much of a question, but more of a demand. 

I did everything I could to avoid eye contact with him, whether it was looking down at the floor, or down the hallway, or even picking at my nails as if I was bored.

"Well, Zavala wanted me to come and get you out of your little hideout here." Cayde said. I continued to not look at him. "He wants you back out there, you know, and be a guardian."

"Zavala has noticed that one of the guardians has not been going out on missions?" I scoffed to myself as I looked down to the floor. "I don't need someone looking out for me and I sure as hell do not want to go back out there."

"Well for once I agreed with him on it." Cayde said somewhat softly. I didn't know if he was looking at me or not, but I could tell he was feeling strange about all of this. I didn't know if that was a good thing or a bad thing.

"So you noticed I wasn't going out?" I asked, looking up but again, not making eye contact.

"Of course I noticed when one of my own hunters wasn't going out. When that certain hunter on that fireteam had not left her apartment in months." Cayde snapped. I hadn't even known him as the angry type. But here he was, getting all upset about me. 

I didn't need that. And having someone look out for me brought memories I didn't want to see back up into my mind. 

Flynn had always known when something was wrong. He had always known how to pick me back up and get me going again. He always looked out for me, and I didn't want anyone else to help me. Not now.

"Well I don't need, nor do I want someone looking out for me." I snapped back.

He must have rolled his eyes and he pretty much groaned. "I'm coming back in the morning and I'm getting you out of this room if I have to drag your ass out of it." He said, then he flicked me in the nose making me jump back a step. "Whether you like it or not, you're going outside of this Tower, outside of this apartment."

Then he turned and stalked down the hallway. I watched him walk for a while, before I rolled my eyes and almost threw my door shut. With an angry growl, I walked back into the front room.

"Who does he think he is?!" I exclaimed to myself as I began to pace around the couch.

"Uh... your vanguard... your superior." Lucas spoke up as he floated around my shoulders.

"You're not helping." I said.

I'd never get mad at him. Never. Not even if he had actually called Zavala himself. I'd never be able to get mad at him. 

"I think it'll be good for you." He said. "Getting out, seeing the sunshine. Maybe you can start to warm up to people again."

"Don't get your hopes up." I grumbled. 

"I'm looking forward to tomorrow." He chirped, as if he was a giddy teenage girl.

I rolled my eyes. It was getting late, and I jumped onto the couch and looked at the ceiling. I didn't want to go tomorrow. People will stare at me and I don't know how I will handle any of it. I don't want to snap, or somehow get a panic attack or start crying because of a memory that gets brought up.

I certainly didn't want to do that in front of Cayde.

But deep down, there was a part of me that wanted to. There's a part of me that wants to get better, one that wants to love someone again. And I hate that part. But I love it at the same time.

We'll see what happens.


	3. "Next time, ramen is on you."

I woke up before dawn broke, panting and gasping for breath. I was drenched in a cold sweat that I was used to by now. 

I knew Cayde would be coming to get me anytime soon, and I still hated the thought of it. 

I had actually changed into the armor that I used to wear all the time. The long sleeves and pants with the regular boots. I had my cloak on my shoulders, and the weight of them made me remember the day I lost my world.

It has taken everything in me not to take it all off and go in some regular clothes. But when I put the hood up and over my head, I suddenly felt like I was at home. Like I was with Flynn and we were both okay. That nothing was going to happen to us.

But yet, it also felt like a curse. Like I had it all coming, that because I had always thought that we'd always be together, till the end of time, that's why they were killed. The universe was just making my hopes go down, because no one can have hope in a world like this.

There was a sudden knock at the door. And I was half tempted to jump out the window and do it again and again after Lucas brings me back.

"I know you're in there." Cayde said somewhat boredly.

I sighed to myself before walking up to the door and opening it. Cayde had the same clothes on as yesterday, because that was his normal armor. But still, I did not look into his eyes and I looked down at my feet instead.

"Good morning." Cayde all but chirped. "You look better in those clothes than you did in the ones yesterday."

"Yeah that's because this is the only clean thing I have." I muttered as I stepped out of my apartment, shutting the door behind me. "Let's get this over with."

I brought my face up as we turned around, keeping the hood up to shield my face from view.

We walked in the halls, somewhat silently. Occasionally, Cayde would start talking and I'd pretend to listen to whatever story he was telling. 

As we passed guardian after guardian, they all had either stopped to stare, or had pointed to their friend and whispered before pointing at me. I had sunk back into my hood more and wished I hadn't left my apartment.

I continued to stare at the ground as we walked, and I didn't know how I was still able to follow Cayde around. Maybe it was because I was listening to his voice and footsteps, and I could just feel or hear where he was turning and whatnot.

I just wished I could go back home.

"You know," Cayde said again, and this time I listened. "I don't think you've had something to eat in a while. I'm sure you had run out of food at one point in those three months."

He was right about that. I hadn't eaten anything in days and it was starting to weigh me down. I was lightheaded, and I could barely keep myself upright. 

"I know what we could get!" Cayde exclaimed. "Spicy Ramen on me!"

And then, we were sitting in a Spicy Ramen shop out in the city. It was a cozy place, and there weren't too many people in the chairs. Cayde had just up and ordered something for the both of us, because he said he was a gentleman.

I just thought it was because I've never been here before.

"Next time, ramen is on you." Cayde suddenly said, breaking the silence between us.

I had been looking out the window we were seated by, looking out at some of the people that were clearly walking with their significant other. I propped my head on my hand and nodded at what he said, "Sure."

"I don't think you have any glimmer though." Cayde said. "It's not like you haven't been working for the passed three months." 

"What is this supposed to do, Cayde?" Each word was clipped with frustration. I didn't look at him, but instead I looked down at the table. "Is this supposed to make me want to live anymore, is this supposed to make me feel better?"

Cayde didn't say anything at first, and I had honestly thought I had angered him again. "Look," he said. "Zavala didn't ask me to come and help you. It was all my idea. You may not think it, but I do truly watch my hunters. After I heard your fireteam came back, and that they were all dead but you, I knew what would happen to you, and it did. So I brought the idea up to Zavala and he said to go ahead with it."

"You noticed when I was gone?" I asked. "Why me? I'm one of the least noticeable guardians out there."

"I really don't know why it was you, but I just know that it was." Cayde replied.

I suddenly brought my eyes up to him, without thinking about it. When I met his eyes for the first time, a flash of a pair of wide, horrified, green eyes appeared in my vision. I almost jumped out of my seat, and fell out of my chair. But I whipped my head back down and shook it fast to get the image out.

"Are you okay?" Cayde hesitantly asked.

I nodded my head, "Fine." I lied through my teeth. "Just a headache."

"Probably from the lack of food." Cayde spoke up. Though I know he knows I lied. But he just doesn't want to pry, at least not yet. The waiter suddenly brought out our bowls of spicy ramen, and I suddenly didn't feel like eating.

"You need to eat." Cayde said as he began eating. "I know you probably don't feel like it, but you need to and we aren't leaving here until you do."

I rolled my eyes and sighed as I brought some of the noodles to my mouth. The flavor burst and I had never eaten anything so delicious in my entire life. Though I didn't let Cayde see it, and I just continued eating like it was any other day.

After we had both finished, Cayde paid and we got up to leave. "What now?" I asked, though I really didn't care. A sudden wave of nausea pulsed through me, and I suddenly found myself tired.

Though it wasn't a rare occurrence. I was always tired. I had nightmares every night of my fireteam dying. Their faces were always in my mind, every time I close my eyes. I hadn't gotten good sleep in a long time.

Most guardians don't get much sleep. But, now that I see them every night, I get less sleep than most guardians.

I can always see their deaths, and instead of not being able to help them, I'm able to. But usually, it's still not enough. They still die right in front of me, and Flynn still dies in my arms.

"Well," Cayde started. "I think that's all we'll do today. Tomorrow, we'll go into the EDZ and fight off some fallen or something. Get your skills back up, kid."

"Don't call me kid." I said, glaring at him, though I didn't make eye contact.

"What's with you and eye contact?" Cayde suddenly asked, brushing off my glare like it was a butterfly. "You haven't made it with anyone, and the one second you do, you freak out."

"I have my reasons." I said, and continued looking at the ground.

"Ooh, so you won't tell me cause you don't like me." Cayde replied slyly. I didn't know if he was trying to get on my bad side, or if he was doing it for a reaction. Either way, I wasn't going to give him the satisfaction. 

Still, I rolled my eyes and stopped talking. 

Cayde walked be all the way back to my apartment and stopped to lean on the wall next to the door. I opened my door and began to walk in but stopped. "You know none of this will work, right?" I asked him without turning around.

I think he shrugged and got off of the wall, "Can't hurt to try." He said softly. Then he walked down the hallway.

I turned to watch him leave, before shutting the door and sighing. 

The silence weighed me down like a ton of bricks. The empty space was so deafening, it could kill me. Hell, maybe one day it will. This place would have been lit up and bright if Flynn had been waiting for me. 

I wasn't even going to bother with trying to sleep tonight. If I manage to fall asleep, then so be it. But I sure as hell knew it wasn't going to be good.

"See?" Lucas spoke up. "That wasn't bad. You didn't have a panic attack, and you didn't freak out too much."

"I almost jumped up from my chair to leave. Yeah, sure, it wasn't that bad." I said sarcastically. 

"At least you went out and tried." Lucas offered.

"I wouldn't say tried." I said, I looked up at him. He didn't have an actual eye, so looking at him didn't bring those horrified green eyes back into my mind.

"Okay, you at least went out." Lucas said, if he could, he'd have rolled his eyes.

"We'll see what happens tomorrow when we go to the EDZ." I said, Lucas somewhat nodded.

And that was that.

I didn't want to go out tomorrow. Fighting was probably not the best idea for me right now. Feeling the weight of my gun or my knife in hand was going to bring up things that I didn't want to come back up.

But I guess we'll see.


	4. "More like they found us!"

Cayde had come and gotten me bright and early the next morning. And now the two of us were out somewhere lost in the EDZ. You'd think that the two of us would know where we were, but it wasn't that simple when you've been locked in your room for three months.

It's not like I'm always outside in the EDZ.

I had found all of my daggers, all ten of them and I've stashed them in places where they are easy to reach, and where no one else can find them.

I also had my favorite hand cannon in my holster on my thigh. The hand cannon was much like Cayde's, Ace of Spades. Though the body shape was the same, the colors were different. Mine was a black and dark red color, almost maroon. And I called it, The Three of Hearts.

My own gun that I had since the beginning of being a guardian. It's been with me through everything. The ups, the downs. It was like another friend to me.

"Are you sure you know where you're going?" I asked from walking behind Cayde. We had been weaving between trees now for the past two hours.

"Of course I do." Cayde replied, though we both knew he was lying. "I'm out here all the time."

"Uh huh, cause we've passed that rock about three times now. Oh, and that stupid pond!" I exclaimed, pointing them out as I came to a stop. "This is stupid. We were supposed to use my skills with killing fallen, where are all the fallen?"

"It's not like I'm part of their inner circle. I don't know where they all went." Cayde sassed me.

I looked away from him and out into the distance of the trees. I wanted to go back to the Tower. "Can we just leave?" I asked as I shook my head in frustration.

Cayde was about to say something, but a shot rang out. It went right passed Cayde's face, almost hitting him. We both jumped in our shoes and took off for cover as more shots rang out. The both of us went behind a few boulders we found. Cayde was right across from mine.

"Found them!" Cayde exclaimed.

"More like they found us!" I threw back at him. I pulled out my Three of Hearts, and the feeling made me freeze. I closed my eyes and sat back against the rock.

I can remember when we were ambushed by the fallen. When I had whipped out this gun to defend my friends. Shot after shot, and they wouldn't stop coming. I thought I was going to die that day, and I didn't want Flynn to be the one alone.

Turns out, I'd be the one alone after all.

"Looks like there are only six of them." Cayde said after he came back down from peaking over the boulder.

I suddenly became very nervous. What if there are more of them? What if they ambush me again? What if this time I'm the one that goes. 

Part of me thought that was fine. If I die, I'll be with Flynn again. I'll see them all again. That was good enough for me.

But another part of me didn't want that. I didn't want to die and I didn't want to go out fighting. I wanted to go out when my time was right, when I have completed everything I ever wanted in this life.

"Alright kid," Cayde spoke up after the firing settled down. "I'll go out first, and if I get into trouble, you come and save me, got it?"

I didn't move, and I didn't want to. I was gripping my Three of Hearts like my life depended on it, and it kinda did. I knew this was a bad idea, I knew I wouldn't be able to get out there and fight. This was all too much for me to take.

I saw Cayde jump up from behind the boulder out of the corner of my eye. I could hear his gun shots echo and the sound of his voice as he taunted the fallen.

I didn't want to leave the cover of the boulder. Because at any moment, any of those fallen could ambush me and I could die. 

My hand shook, and I clenched my eyes shut. I pulled my gun to my chest and waited out the noise. 

When it all died down, I still didn't move. There were no sounds of the fallen, there were no gun shots, and I could not hear Cayde's voice. I didn't know what happened, if Cayde had gone down or not. But for a moment, I believed that he was gone too.

That now I failed to help a vanguard, my own vanguard. Someone who only wanted to help me. But then there was a hand on my shoulder. I flinched at the touch and opened my eyes quickly. When I did, my blue eyes met his own. 

There was that flash of horrified green eyes again, but I did not look away. Cayde was searching my own eyes for something, and I didn't know what. "Hey," he said softly. "You're okay. They can't hurt you anymore."

I looked away from his eyes, and looked around the area. Bodies of the fallen were littered along the ground. Cayde reached down to help stand me up on my feet.

"I guess fighting wasn't the best idea, was it?" Cayde asked as he looked around at all the fallen. "You must have been scared out of your mind."

"I wasn't scared." I said sternly. No one wants to be called scared, or a coward. I certainly wasn't, but I just couldn't get the feeling that something bad was going to happen. I couldn't pick myself off of the ground, point my gun, and fire.

It was like something was stopping me from doing so.

"Well you weren't scared." Cayde said. "It's just too early."

I nodded my head, putting my Three of Hearts back in her holster. Cayde's hands were on my shoulders, the first touch I have had since Flynn. I froze for a moment, just one. I didn't know if I even wanted to touch, or if it was even okay for me. But then my eyes stung, and I realized how much I had needed another person around.

The tears fell down my face, and I found myself sobbing quietly. I tucked my head down, so my chin was almost resting against my own chest. Then I stepped forward, right into Cayde. I wrapped my arms around his middle, and buried my face into his chest.

Cayde sat there for a moment, confused by the sudden touch. Then his arms wrapped around my shoulders, and I felt him set his chin on the top of my head.

I wouldn't stop sobbing, they just kept coming until I could feel it all running down my face.

We just sat there, and Cayde had begun to rub soothing circles on my back. 

This felt good. This reassurance that I was alive, and that I would somehow be okay. Maybe it'll take a while, but someday I'll be okay again.

Maybe Cayde will be the one to pull me through it, maybe he won't. But one thing I know, is that he'll be there every step of the way. 

Some part of me was screaming that this was wrong. That I was doing wrong by Flynn. That I shouldn't get so close to someone else, because it had always been Flynn. But I ignored that part, and I continued to cry with him holding me. 

Because Flynn was gone, there was no one for me to do this with. And three months worth of tears were now flowing free. The build up had gotten to be too much, and this was the result.

I'm just glad I had someone like Cayde to pull me through.


	5. "Sorry I asked."

Cayde had walked me back to the Tower, with his arm draped over my shoulders. We didn't speak much, except the occasional banter that Cayde always had with him.

It took my mind off of what just happened. I had begun to think, that maybe I shouldn't have done that. Maybe I should have just kept it all in, and let it out later.

Maybe I shouldn't have done it in front of Cayde. He has his own past that he has problems with, he doesn't need to shoulder this with me. I don't need him to, and I still don't want him to. I hate crying in front of people, always have.

It took me forever to get used to doing it in front of Flynn, and I openly did it in front of Cayde. And I didn't know why.

After he had left me at the apartment, I sat there for a while. This time, I didn't feel anything. I didn't feel like the world was ending, and I rather felt somewhat relieved. 

I began to realize, I was looking forward to tomorrow. I was looking forward to talking to someone that understands pain. I was looking forward to being with Cayde. But again, part of me was screaming that it wasn't okay. But I know, Flynn would understand. That he's out there somewhere, looking out for me. 

Maybe he knew Cayde could help me, and he gave him the idea of helping me out. To push me in the right direction. I know it sounds stupid, but it's just a thought.

And it gives me hope.

Tomorrow Morning:

I still didn't sleep, but at least I was ready to start the day today. I was planning on asking Cayde if he'd let me go buy some food. Because, I was out of that. 

If I'm going to start living again, I'm gonna need some food to eat.

When Cayde knocked, I didn't hesitate to open the door. I didn't look him in the eyes, but I talked first. "Can we go buy me some food?" I asked as I stepped out and shut the door behind me. Cayde was somewhat surprised. "If I'm gonna start living again, I'll need that."

"You want to buy food?" Cayde asked, pointing at me with an accusing finger. "Am I helping you that much? Wow, that's a big step."

I rolled my eyes and began walking down the hallway. My cloak flowed behind me, before settling with my pace. It felt nice, for one, to be out and about again. It felt like it was any other day, though the pain still loomed. The depression was still there, and the visions did not go away.

I was putting on a brave face. I had to. Either to try to convince myself that I was getting better, or to convince Cayde that I was. Or maybe it was to convince everyone else that I was okay.

Cayde caught up with me and matched my pace at my side. I looked straight ahead, making sure to not make eye contact with anyone.

We walked through the Tower, and then out into the city. There, we both bought our own things. Me buying what I needed for food and stuff, and Cayde bought whatever the hell he thought was cool, which was absolutely nothing that concerned me.

Cayde and I had then decided to go eat some spicy ramen, going into the same shop as last time. This time, I did pay. I told Cayde it was only fair that I did, and I also told him that I did have glimmer for it, and that I wasn't stupid.

Flynn and I had saved up plenty of glimmer over the years we were together. We figured it would be safe in case something happened. I'm sitting on a mountain of glimmer, quite literally.

By the time we were finished with everything, it had already gotten dark. The two of us quietly walked back toward my room, and I decided to invite Cayde inside. Though, I was quite nervous, and told him not to go into the bathroom.

He had asked why, but I had told him to just trust me on it. To which he had nodded his head silently. When I walked in, he followed silently and looked around. Everything was kinda out of place, and I had apologized in advance for it. 

He had just said that he understood why it would be that way. And there wasn't anything on his face that told me he was disgusted as he looked around.

I set all the bags of food on the counter in the kitchen area of the front room, and started to unload everything from it.

He had come over and tried to help me with the things, but I told him to go sit down on the couch and watch some TV until I was done. Although there were a lot of things, it wouldn't take me that long to get it all done.

He did as told, and went to sit down on the couch. A moment went by, and I heard the TV turn on, there was a show about old west gunslingers, and of course, Cayde gladly started watching it.

Though, when a minute or two passed, Cayde turned down the volume, and turned to look at me from behind the couch.

"Is this Flynn?" He asked softly. I glanced up from the food to look at him. He was holding up the picture of Flynn and I, and then put it back down on the table.

I glanced down and nodded my head, "Yeah."

"He was very handsome." Cayde said. 

I smiled sadly, "Among other things." I muttered.

"What was he like?" Cayde asked. "He was a Titan, if I remember correctly, so I didn't meet him often."

"He was kind, and funny, smart, over protective of me at times." I chuckled to myself. "He was probably the love of my life." I muttered as I set one of the food things down. 

He truly was. He was the one that I would die for, the one that I would do anything for. I'd take a knife to the heart for him. But now that he's gone, I don't have anywhere to put that love. It'd always be for him, and no one else.

I don't know if I could love someone like that again.

"Sorry I asked." Cayde replied. 

He was looking at me softly, as if saying sorry in his looks as well.

I smiled to him, but didn't meet his eyes. "It's okay." I said. "Sometimes it's good to talk about him."

"Yeah," he agreed. "Sometimes." 

"You don't ever talk about the vanguard before you, Andal?" I asked. I didn't want to bring it up and be rude or anything, and I didn't want to bring it up to make him feel bad. I was just genuinely curious.

He didn't speak for a moment, and I had honestly thought I had ruined my moment for a good friendship. "He was a good man that didn't deserve what he got." He said quietly. 

I opened my mouth to ask another question, but Cayde interrupted me. "Are you going to tell me why you can't make eye contact with anyone? Or am I going to be stuck in the dark again?"

I looked down at the food on the counter top. "It's complicated." I answered. I honestly didn't know how to explain it, not without sounding crazy. And I was never able to tell anyone what truly happened when we were ambushed by the fallen.

No one know's how I had to watch them die, just that I did.

"Well, it's not like I'm going anywhere tonight." Cayde said.

I glanced over in his direction sideways. I then sighed and put the rest of the food in the fridge before I walked over toward the couch. I sat down next to him, sitting with my legs crossed and facing him. He had an arm draped over the top of the couch, and one of his legs was tucked under him while the other was hanging off the couch.

He watched me. I looked down at my hands and then began to speak.

"I can't look people in the eyes," I started. "Because each time I do, the only thing I see are Flynn's green eyes. Open wide with pain, and horror, and fear. It makes me think about it all, and I can't. It scares me and I don't want to see them like that again. I always knew Flynn as a strong, fearless man. But that day, I'd never seen him so scared."

Cayde didn't say anything for a moment. Until, "Will you tell me what happened to them? What all happened that day?" He asked quietly.

I looked down at my hands again, and I thought about it. Was I ready to go back there, to go back to that moment where everything went so horribly wrong? Would I be ready to visit all again? To see them all go down right in front of my eyes?

But I found myself beginning to speak, and I found myself telling a story I never wanted to tell.

\--Three Months Ago--

Flynn had woken me up early that morning, whispering words in my ear and lightly shaking me like he always did. "Hey, Kesia." He whispered. "Wake up you little shit."

I smiled and rolled over to face him, "I'm awake you piece of shit." I whispered back to him. He smiled widely at me, his green eyes bright and inviting. He kissed my forehead and placed his palm on my cheek. I reached up and placed my own hand on his own.

"We have that big mission today, we gotta get going." Flynn said as he went to sit up. I rolled back over onto my stomach and groaned, nearly screaming. 

"Why did you have to get us up this early though!?" I asked through the pillow, my voice muffled. "I doubt any one else is up." I said, then I contemplated what I had said. "Well, Xander probably is, but definitely not Alex and Keaton."

"I told them to get up at 6:00, it's 5:30 right now so they have thirty minutes." Flynn said as he went through the bathroom. 

"Oh! So I have thirty more minutes of much needed and much appreciated sleep." I then stuffed my face back down into my pillow and closed my eyes. Suddenly, I felt arms wrap around me, and I was hoisted into the air. A small scream erupted out of me at the sudden lack of contact on solid ground.

Flynn had no shirt on, and was now holding me bridal style. "Ooh, I could get used to this." I slyly said to him, giving him my best 'sexy face' impression.

He smirked at it, "Well too bad because we have a mission to get going on." He said as he set me down on my two feet. When he went to walk back into the bathroom, I threw a pillow at him. It hit him square in the back of his head. 

When he turned around, there was complete fire in his eyes. I held up my hands in surrender. "I didn't mean it, it just suddenly appeared in my hands and then slipped." He started to walk toward me slowly, almost menacingly. I began to mutter excuses and whatever to try to get him to stop.

And then, I was tackled onto the bed, and tickled until I died, not really though.

Alex, Keaton, and Xander had all been waiting for me and Flynn at our ship. They were all smirking at us as we walked up. "Long morning?" Keaton asked us, giving us a knowing look.

I rolled my eyes at him, "Not what we did you pervert."

"I wasn't thinking about that." He gave me an innocent look and I raised a brow at him. "Okay, maybe I was but, you can't fault me for it."

"Uh, yeah I can, I won't though." I said as I pushed his shoulder. 

He gave me a mock bow and Alex hit him in the head with her hand, "Shut up you idiot." He glared at her.

"Alright!" Flynn said, clapping his hands together. "Let's get this over with."

I didn't know the name of the planet we were going to, I just knew what we were there to kill and take care of. Zavala had given Flynn this mission, and wanted us to kill whatever fallen we could find on this particular planet.

Though, they didn't know how many there were.

The terrain was rocky, boulders everywhere, it was mountainous terrain. Filled with caves and caverns, and canyons. 

We had managed to walk into a canyon, without seeing any sign of the fallen. I was starting to get suspicious. And when I was about to bring it up to Flynn, and tell him that something had to be wrong, a shot rang out into the air.

We all whipped our heads around, desperately trying to find the source of the shot. Though we couldn't. They had to have been behind some of the many outcroppings in the rock.

"Where are they?" I asked to no one in particular. 

"I don't know." Flynn answered me.

We all pulled out our weapons, and stayed on guard for anything.

Suddenly, there were sounds at the entrance of the canyon, the way we came through. They began to shoot at us, and we all sat in shock for a few moments.

"Go!" Flynn shouted as he began to fire at them all. "Go! Go!"

I turned around and followed the others, Flynn at my side. Every now and then, we'd turn around and shoot down a few fallen, but there were so many of them. There were too many.

We rounded a corner, and found that it was a dead end. "No!" I yelled as I turned back around when the fallen turned the corner after us. "No." I whispered. There was no way we'd be able to make it out of this. There was no way.

I looked at them all then, and I could see the fear in their eyes. They had never been so afraid, they had never looked like that. The utter fear and terror in their eyes was enough to make me even more afraid. I didn't want to die here, and I didn't want them to die either.

Because I couldn't imagine life without them all.

I looked over at Flynn, who's green eyes were wide with horror and fear. He turned to look at me too, and our eyes met. I thought then, that those horror filled eyes would stay with me for the rest of my life, whether it ends here, or whether we make it out alive. 

I had never seen him so afraid. I've seen him scared, and worried, but never so afraid. It made me feel hopeless, that if the most hopeful person I've ever met was hopeless, than so was I.

And then they started firing, and so did we.

The first one down, was Alex. She was over whelmed when she had gotten separated from the rest of us, and Keaton had lost his mind. When she had died, her ghost was vulnerable, and was shot. She didn't rise again.

The shock of watching it all happen, and after the light had exploded, made Keaton lose it all. He fired whatever he could, doing all that he could. But soon, the same fate had met him. His light exploded, and he didn't rise.

The next that fell, was Xander. The quiet hunter's ghost was killed by his own blade. A fallen had picked it out of his fallen friend, and hurled it through the air. Xander had shielded his ghost as best he could, but he had to shift his feet suddenly, and the blade grazed his cheek, and shattered his ghost.

He had been thrown to the ground by the force of his ghost's light. When he stood up, a shot to his head was what made him fall.

I cried out at it. I then looked at Flynn, who was a few feet away. His armor was breaking, and I could see he was getting tired. Though, he activated his super, and did everything he could.

I reloaded my Three of Hearts, twirling it on a finger like I always did, and continued fighting.

I began to get frustrated, and as the fallen began to dwindle down in number, some relief flooded through me. Though, the fight was far from over.

Suddenly, something hit my shoulder. Pain radiated through me, and I began to fall to the ground. When I hit the ground, my head impacted against a rock, and the last thing I heard was my lovers voice call my name.

"Kesia!"

I woke up with a start, the only thing I could see, was the ground beneath me. I coughed to myself, and turned over to look at my surroundings.

I pushed up on my hands and knees, moving to stand on my shaky legs. When I looked around, I could see three bodies ahead of me. I recognized them all, and suddenly I remembered what had happened.

My friends were all gone, they were dead. I hadn't been able to save them. Tears began to spring into my eyes, and it stung. I put a hand to my mouth, covering some broken sobs. I didn't know how I was still alive, and I didn't know if it was luck, or just a curse that I still was.

Either way, I knew there were three bodies, and that there wasn't a fourth. 

Flynn.

There was a sudden grunt from behind me. When I whipped around, I found Flynn struggling on the ground. 

I ran over to him, "Flynn!" I whimpered out. 

If he was alive, then maybe he'll be okay. Maybe he'll be able to make it through this. The two of us could at least make it back home safely. I scraped my knees as I slid down next to him, blood flowing out of the new cuts, but I didn't care.

"Flynn." I whispered.

He turned to look at me with wide eyes, but then they softened into something more. "Kesia." He muttered and then winced. When I looked him over, I saw a gash at his side that was gushing blood.

"No..." I muttered. "No. No. No." I set my hand on the gash, trying to stop the bleeding, making Flynn hiss in pain. I looked over at his face, seeing that he was already looking at me.

New tears began to spill out, and I found myself starting to shake. "Where's--where's your ghost?" I asked as I glanced around frantically. "Where--where is she?"

"She's--she's gone...Kesia." Flynn weakly said. 

I looked back at his pained face, and I shook my head. "Why?" I asked just to myself. "Why me? I can't--I can't be alone--don't leave me alone."

I started to sob, and I didn't know what all to do. It was like my heart was being ripped out and torn to pieces right in front of me. It pretty much was.

"I'm sorry." Flynn said softly. "I don't want to leave you."

"I know--I know you don't." I muttered, trying to make him stop with the blames. I was the one to blame here, this is my fault. If I had been paying more attention, maybe I wouldn't have fallen and hit my head on the rock.

Maybe I would have been able to save at least Flynn.

"I-I love you." Flynn said weakly. His eyes began to slowly shut, but he continued to try to keep them open. He tried to continue looking at me.

"I love you too, but you're gonna be fine." I wasn't sure if it was to reassure him, or me. "Right? You're--you're gonna be fine."

Then his eyes shut slowly, and his breath flowed out of him. His chest didn't rise with another breath, and his eyes didn't open again.

"No." I said. "No. Flynn? Flynn!?"

I pulled my hands away from the wound on his side, my hands covered in his blood. I looked him over, expecting his chest to rise again with an uneven breath. But when it didn't, I began to frantically shake him, as if trying to wake him up.

"Wake up! Wake up!" I yelled. "Don't leave me! You can't leave me here! You can't leave me." I whispered the last part as I finally stopped. He was gone, he was dead, and it was my fault. All of this was my fault. 

If I had voiced my concern earlier, maybe we would have gotten out of the canyon in time. Maybe they would have lived to see another day. Maybe Flynn would still be here to hold onto me at a time like this.

I had my own blood caked on my shoulder, and Flynn's blood was the only one that I cared about. 

I didn't know what to do. I didn't know where to go. Hell, I didn't even know if my ghost was still alive. "Lucas?" I weakly asked.

The ghost suddenly floated above my shoulder, and I felt some semblance of relief. "I'm...sorry, Kesia." He softly said.

"Can you transmat us back to the ship?" I asked. He bobbed in the air, as if nodding softly. And then all of us were back on the ship. 

It was a big enough ship that their bodies just laid on the floor somewhere. I was still kneeling down next to Flynn. Alex and Keaton were next to each other, and Xander was on the other side of me. 

"Put the ship on auto-pilot and set the coordinates for the Tower." I said softly, not tearing my eyes from Flynn's face.

Lucas didn't say anything, and I felt the ship come to life and take off. I didn't move the entire trip to the Tower, and Lucas had went ahead to tell them we were coming back, and that I was the only one still alive.

The only time I moved, was when I moved toward Flynn's head. I picked up the upper half of his body, putting his back against my chest. His head rested on my shoulder, and I set my cheek against the side of his head.

We used to sit like this, though most of the time I was the one with my back against his chest. We used to sit like this and watch the stars. Or he'd wrap me up in his arms and whisper words of encouragement or advice for when I was down.

We used to love it. But now, it was gone forever.

When the ship landed in the hanger, and the drop door opened, guardians of all three classes rushed inside. I didn't let them take Flynn from me, but they took Alex, Keaton, and Xander.

When I finally let them take Flynn from me, I didn't let go of his arm as they carried him out. I walked with them, not looking up at anyone. My eyes were wide, and when I looked up, I could see my vanguard.

He was standing next to Amanda Holliday, his eyes wide and his mouth slightly open in shock and somewhat horror. He had just lost one of his own hunters, and he's soon lose another one. Because I was gone, I am gone. The real me died with Flynn on that rocky planet. It was slain like my family.

I looked into his eyes then, those blue eyes of his. When I did, horrified, fear filled green eyes appeared in my view. I cried out then, clutching at my chest and gripping onto Flynn's arm harder. I looked away from him, and down on the floor.

From then on, I knew I'd never look people in the eyes again. I didn't want to see my lovers eyes like that, and I couldn't see the green again.

Their funeral was the following day, I went to it. I stood their silently as Flynn and the rest of my family was sealed away.

And then, that same day, I went into our apartment that we shared, and I did not come out.

Because the world around me did not need a broken girl who had lost everything. And I didn't want to be out there in the world, making memories that would not be filled with the people I called family. I would never be able to do it.

So I locked myself up. Because I didn't deserve to be out there.

\--Present Day--

When I had finished the story, I hadn't realized I had begun to cry until a tear rolled down my cheek. I wiped it away with a hand, furious at myself for crying in front of Cayde again.

He sat there quietly, as if not knowing what to say. Instead, he reached forward, as if to consul me, but I sprang up to my feet. "No!" I said. "I don't need it, and I don't want it." I moved away from him, making to walk away.

"I can't." I muttered, I pulled my arms to my chest and pushed them against it. "I can't. I can't. I can't!" I yelled. Suddenly, there were arms wrapped around me in a hug. At first, I tried to get out of the hold, and I struggled through it.

But then Cayde's soft voice rang out, and I began to relax in his arms as I continued to cry to myself. "Hey...it's okay." He said softly.

I clenched my fists and put them in front of my mouth as I turned into him and buried my face in his chest like I did out in the EDZ. "Why'd he have to go?" I asked brokenly. As if I had just been cracked and beaten again like I was that day. "Why'd he have to go?" I asked between sobs.

"I don't know, sweetheart." He said. "I don't know."

I didn't know what had happened next, because it had all seemed to be a blur. But I ended up calming down, and falling asleep against him. 

That next morning, I had woken up on my couch with a blanket draped over me. On the coffee table sat a note that said...

Dear Kesia,

We are not doing anything today, because last night was a doozy and I'd feel really bad if I dragged you out again today. And I'm really sorry for asking about what happened to them all, and I hope you don't hate me now. So, rest up, eat something, and I don't know, do what you normally would do on a free day. Maybe sleep for the entire day, I know that's always great.

\--Cayde, the best vanguard ever.

P.S. Eat some spicy ramen, I left some for you on your counter, I hope today's a better day!

That honestly brought a small smile to my face. And I honestly wished the goofy vanguard would knock on my door and bring something light into my dark day.

Because today was one of those days, where a shard of broken glass in an unused bathroom was calling for an arm to draw blood from.


	6. "I should be dead too."

The next day, when I had woken up, I felt utterly alone. I didn't sit up, and instead I stayed tucked into the blanket and I stared up at the ceiling. I didn't know what was going on, this entire life was agony to me. The heart beating in my chest, wasn't something that I wanted to beat. 

I wanted it to stop, that maybe I could be free. I could be rid of this agony that can't seem to let me go, and I finally get to feel free, and happy, and not utterly alone.

I didn't know what time it was, all I knew was that I was in this moment, and that I was feeling more empty than I had before. Maybe Cayde had been helping me for a while there, but the feeling has crept it's way back into me.

Nothing feels right anymore. I didn't know what to do. So I stared, and I blinked, and I did nothing else.

I didn't respond to the knocks at my door, and I didn't care who it was, Cayde or not. Right now, I was in some trance, standing in the bathroom, looking down at all the broken pieces of glass still in the sink. 

I had wanted to clean it up a few days ago, after the first time Cayde had made me feel somewhat better, though when I picked up one of the pieces, the feeling of wanting to cut into my own skin came through, and I threw the piece back down.

I walked out then, but now I was back, standing in front of the glass filled sink. After a while, the knocking stopped, and I barely had time to register the sound of the door clicking open before moving out of the bathroom and closing the door.

Then, Cayde was standing in my bedroom doorway, and he was looking at me with raised eyebrows. "Are you not going to open the door for me now?" He asked, I hid my arms behind my back, because I was wearing a tank top that showed the scars and newer cuts.

"How did you get in?" I asked, narrowing my eyes and trying to keep my face stoic.

"It was open. You should keep it locked cause anyone could stroll right in." He gestured down to himself. Then he narrowed his eyes at the way I was standing. "Are you okay?"

I nodded and smiled to him, "Yeah, I'm fine." I lied. 

I could tell he saw right through the lie, and this time, he decided to pry. "Are you hiding something?" He asked. 

I shook my head, "No."

He walked closer to me, keeping his eyes narrowed. "I'm not so sure about that."

"Well I am." I said as I walked back away from him. Now I was getting scared, I didn't know what he'd do if he found the scars. I could lie and try to tell him that I got them in a freak accident. Or I could tell him that I was in a fire and that's what happened.

"Well I'm not." He continued to walk toward me, until I stopped walking as I felt the wall on my back. I wanted to duck and run for cover, but I knew he'd only press on if I did that as well.

I kept my arms behind my back, even as he got closer to me. He stopped when he was about two feet away, so close that I could smell his sent. I hoped he wouldn't see them, because I didn't want him to judge me on something that I did to myself.

I didn't want him to think any less of me.

"Are you holding something behind you?" Cayde asked. "Because if that's it, I'll stop prying."

"Yeah," I lied. "I'm holding something."

He narrowed his eyes, "No you aren't."

That's when I saw his eyes trail down, and then his head flicked sideways for a moment before his hand shot out to grab my arm. I fought him, trying to keep him from getting my arm out in the open. But, naturally, he was stronger than me, and I found my arm in front of me.

Cayde held it, and he gazed down at it with wide eyes. "Did you...?" He trailed off as he moved to look back at me. I looked away from him and pulled my arm away.

"No." I lied as I went to walk passed him, I made my way out into the front room, and Cayde grabbed my arm again. 

"Don't you lie to me." He looked down at the scars again and wouldn't stop looking at them intently. As if they'd magically disappear if he stared at them long enough. "Why'd you do this?"

He didn't look up, and I was glad he didn't. Because the tears were falling now, and I couldn't stop them. No one has showed me any real concern for a very long time, and it was starting to weigh me down. 

I never thought anyone would care about me after Flynn died. I never thought I'd ever have this type of bond with anyone. Yet, here was this man, this man that had asked to help me. The one that actually got me out of this apartment.

The one that actually made me feel somewhat alive for that moment of time. Though it didn't last long, but it was still amazing.

"Why would you do this?" Cayde finally looked up at me, eyes soft. 

When our eyes met, I didn't see the horrified green eyes. Instead, I saw his glowing blue eyes. For a moment, I was shocked, and I couldn't move. Why didn't the green eyes appear? How am I looking into his eyes, without seeing them?

He grabbed my other arm, keeping both of them in his hands as he gazed at the different angles of the scars. 

I didn't know how to tell him, I didn't know if I could. How did you tell a person that you thought you deserved this? How do you tell someone that you hate yourself so much that you'd do this to yourself? How?

I looked down at the scars as well, and he moved to look at me. Suddenly, his hands dropped my arms and he grabbed my shoulders. "Why would you do this!?" He demanded.

I snapped up to look at him. "Because I deserve it!" I yelled. "Because it's what I deserve and it's because I hate myself!"

Cayde looked like he couldn't believe what he was hearing. "How could you deserve this? Huh? How could someone like you deserve something like that?"

I shook my head, "Because I couldn't save them, so why should I safe myself?"

"Their deaths weren't you're fault!" Cayde yelled back. "You should know that! There was nothing you could do to safe them and you know it!"

"If I had payed more attention I would have noticed it was a trap!"

"You couldn't have known!"

"I should be dead!"

Cayde stopped yelling then. And it was as if he had just been stabbed in the heart. 

"I should be dead too." My voice broke half way through the sentence and I whispered the last part. I lifted up my arms to show him. "This is as close as I can get to death. This is as close as I can get to Flynn."

"You shouldn't have to go through that." Cayde whispered and I barely heard him. "You don't deserve this pain."

"What?" I asked, I looked up at him and away from my arms. I set them down to my side.

"Someone like you, doesn't deserve what you're going through." He said, he looked to me then, and I realized he was the only person that cared about me now, besides Lucas. 

"Yes I do." I said back, trying to fight through the tsunami of tears beginning to pour over.

"No. You. Don't." Cayde said. "I remember a hunter who was always smiling. She was always walking in to get new missions and she was always ready to go out and risk her life to help people. Then she met someone who made her even more happy. And I was happy for her, seeing her smile made my day better. Knowing that she was happy, made me happy."

"Then she made a fireteam, and they were one of the best out there. And she was even happier, ecstatic even. And she knew she had a family, she felt loved. And after everything that happened, after she had come back the only survivor of her fireteam, that smile and that happiness went away. Not just in her, but in me too." Cayde said.

I had never heard him say something like that. I've never heard him speak words like that with such emotion. I've only ever heard the vanguard that was full of jokes and one liners. The one that didn't ever take anything seriously.

It shocked me into silence, and new tears fell. The words he had spoken, all the things he had noticed about me. He had watched me, he had known me before everything. I wasn't just another hunter to him.

Though we hadn't ever truly talked with each other, he still noticed me. I had noticed him too, but not to that extent. Sure, he made me smile, he made me feel better, but I hadn't ever looked at him that much.

I never would have thought, that Cayde 6, the hunter vanguard, had noticed me. I never would have thought, that he'd care this much about me.

I covered my face with my hands as I began to sob. The sobs shook my body so much, that I almost fell over. Though, there were hands against me, and suddenly I was being held up by someone.

"It's okay." Cayde said, his voice was soft and soothing now. Almost as if he was comforting some child who had just lost their mother.

It felt weird. I hadn't been comforted since he had brought me to the EDZ, and even before then, it hadn't been before Flynn's death. I wasn't used to it, but I couldn't pull away either. I knew I needed this, and Cayde knew it too. 

So he didn't let go of me, and held me there against his chest for a very long time.


	7. "I have no clue."

Two weeks had passed since Cayde found the scars on my arms. And I had taken out the glass in the sink, and cleaned it all up. He made me promise not to do it again. 

I've kept that promise so far.

He's come over every now and then, only when he could sneak away from meetings or some of the other things that he's supposed to do as vanguard. I didn't think I'd ever be able to do that job. To always be stuck at the Tower, to never be able to leave it. 

Though, I guess I'm doing that to myself anyway.

Cayde said he'd drop by sometime today. I was excited to see him again, it's been a while. For once I wanted to get out, to go and do something. Maybe go out into the city, or go eat some spicy ramen with Cayde.

I could look people in the eyes now. Since that night when I had looked into Cayde's. He had been the first person I made eye contact with after Flynn's death, and that was when the eyes started to show up. Now he was the last person that I made eye contact with, that made them go away.

I didn't know why it was him. Why he was the one that first started them and then finally finished it all. Why was he the one that rescued me anyway? Was it by chance, or was it something else?

Either way, I was glad it was him.

He got me out of the apartment, he got me used to people again, he got me to smile and laugh. He got me to do a lot of things that I haven't done in a long time. He got me to live, and not just survive.

It was weird to think about. Someone else was able to save me. Before, it was Flynn. He had taken me from a dark place and brought me back into the light. Now it's Cayde.

The thought brought a smile to my face.

I had been able to sleep in my own bed again. I had fallen asleep against Cayde that night and he had put me in my bed. When I had woken up, I was scared and I felt like the walls were caving in. But after that, I had been able to do it. 

It gave me a sense of peace, like Flynn was always there watching out for me. That he was okay with me moving on. That I was able to move on.

Before I thought it was wrong. That I shouldn't be doing this to Flynn. But now, I think it's okay. Flynn was the kind of guy that would allow that to happen. He was never possessive of me, he always told me to do what I felt was right for me.

I think this is one of those times.

I was now currently sitting on my couch, watching some random show I had turned on. It's about two brothers that go across the country and fight ghosts or some shit. I thought it was pretty awesome so far. 

I like the older brother, he reminds me of myself somewhat. And he's pretty hot.

There was a knock on my door, "It's open!" I yelled, already knowing who it was.

Cayde came sauntering inside, with that usual stride of his. "Whatcha doin?" He asked as he flopped down beside me. Close enough that our shoulders brushed together.

Today I wasn't in my armor, but a black tank top and grey sweats like usual. I didn't feel self conscious about the scars anymore. Even after Cayde found out about them, I hid them from him. After I had felt ashamed about them, and he told me not to.

"What does it look like?" I asked, giving him a 'duh' look as I gestured to the tv.

He nodded his head, "Right."

"So..." I said, turning my body to face him as I sat with my legs crossed. I set my hands in my lap. "What are we doing today?"

"I have no clue." Cayde answered as he draped an arm over the side of the couch. "Is there anything you want to do today?"

I furrowed my brow. The only thing I could think of was training. I needed to get my skills back up if I'm going to go out there again. "I think some training will do me some good. What do you think?" I asked.

He nodded his head in thought. "Sounds good to me. We can go to the EDZ and shoot some bad guys." He got up with an excited look. "It's been weeks since I've been able to leave, let's go! Go get ready!"

He pointed at my bedroom door and practically pulled me off of the couch and threw me in the direction. I swatted his hands away as I walked, "I'm going, holy shit."

I walked into my room and went toward the closet. When I opened the closet door, I looked at some of Flynn's old clothes. I sighed and ran my hand along one of his old shirts before going to grab my cloak and the other parts of my armor.

Most of it was like Cayde's. Just plain old shirts and different things thrown together. Though it did help with shots and stuff.

After I got it all together, I took the cloak and threw it around my shoulders. When it was clipped on, I looked in the mirror. I didn't know if I wanted to put my hair up, or leave it down.

I decided on putting it in a simple braid. 

After that, I pulled the hood up and walked out of my room. I found Cayde sprawled on the couch, looking up at the ceiling in thought.

"Cayde?" I asked, when I came over to him, it looked like he was lost in space. "Cayde?" I asked again as I waved a hand in his view.

He snapped out of it then and shook his head, "Wha--sorry." He stammered as he sat up. "Time to go?"

"Yeah." I said, "let's go."

And with that, the two of us left my apartment and we toward the hanger. Cayde wanted to fly in my jet, why? I didn't know. Though I wasn't going to question it further, it's been a long time since I've been in that jet. 

I knew once I'd get on it, memories would flood back. But I won't let them consume me, not this time.

"Sundance." Cayde said as we turned the corner and into the hanger. His ghosts bobbed next to his shoulder. "Tell Zavala and Ikora where we're going."

It made what we assumed as a nod, and then disappeared. 

We made our way over to my ship. It was bigger than most, made for a team of five. Now it's only there for one.

When we both walked up the ramp and into the ship, I paused. I ran my hand along the edge of one of the many chairs there. I looked around at the back sitting area, where we had shared laughs and played games while we waited to reach our destination.

I smiled at all the memories. Like the time Flynn accidentally told the team we were together, that was a blast. Or the time where we ended up in a food fight. Or the time when I tackled Keaton to the ground because he was being annoying, more so than usual.

"Good memories?" Cayde asked.

I turned to look at him, he was standing by the pilots chair, and the co-pilots. He had his hand on the chair that Flynn always sat in. He was my co-pilot and I was the captain. 

I smiled to myself, "Yeah." I chuckled breathlessly. "Alright." I said as I clapped my hands and went to sit in my seat, Cayde sat down in the co-pilots seat. "Let's get this baby flying again."

It didn't take long to get her up and running again, and I found myself loving it. We left the Tower, and began to make our way to the EDZ. It took a while to get there, because Cayde couldn't decide where to land.

But we finally found a place to land, and because I didn't feel like being transmitted out I put the ramp down and we walked out. 

I sighed and breathed in the fresh air. "This is good." I said, nodding my head as I looked around. "This is a good start." 

Cayde looked at me sidelong, and smiled. "I'm doing a good job then."

I shook my head with a smile on my face. The feeling of loss and fear of losing anymore people were still there. It was all still there, but it was more faint. I didn't feel like all hope was lost, and I sure as hell didn't feel like dying anymore.

I've found something to live for. Or at least, more like someone. 

I didn't know how this would go. What would happen or even if this was allowed. But part of me was beginning to fall for that someone, and I didn't want to stop. Could a vanguard and one of their own love each other? Did they allow that to happen at the Tower?

I didn't know. But, one thing I knew was that I was happy. For once in four months, I've been happy. 

Maybe this life won't be so bad. I've got someone to lean on now, whether he feels the same or not. As long as he's with me, that's enough for me.

I looked at Cayde then, at the man who had brought me back from my darkest place. The darkness within me had consumed me, and Cayde had come running in to save me. He wasn't a knight in shinning armor, but a goofball in brown.

And I was glad to have him. To have something to live for, whether the feelings are shared or not, as I said. Cayde is one of those people, where even if you love him and he doesn't feel the same way, you'll love him regardless.

I hope I'm one of those people someday.

"Alright!" Cayde exclaimed, putting his hands together in an excited gesture. "Let's find some fallen."

I pursed my lips and walked with him. We headed right for the trees and I hoped we wouldn't find any today. Maybe this was a bad idea, maybe I'm not ready to fight the fallen again.

I guess we'll see.


	8. "You thought I was an asshole?"

"That was a bad idea." I said as we stepped out of my ship. 

We had just gotten back from fighting some fallen, though, more like after Cayde fought them. I froze up right in the middle, some of the memories of them coming after me flooding through and making me pause.

It almost cost us.

"Yeah," Cayde agreed. "We'll find another way to train."

"Sounds good." I said, as the two of us began walking out of the hanger and back into the main part of the Tower.

"I think we should take the rest of the day off. What do ya say me and you get some ramen. On you." Cayde said, pointing at me with a finger gun. 

"Yeah, we can get some ramen, but it ain't gonna be on me." I smirked.

Cayde rolled his eyes, "I paid last time." He whined.

"Please?" I asked, giving him my best 'puppy eyes.'

He did the wrong move, and looked right at me that moment. His face scrunched up and he looked away before blowing out a breath and saying, "Fine."

I smiled and pumped a fist in the air in triumph. I knew I had a lot of glimmer, but I don't want to spend it all on ramen. Cayde's the one that wants it really bad, so he can buy it. And I just like to make him flustered like that.

We walked out of the Tower, and into the City. It was a peaceful day today, and a lot of people were out doing their usual things. As we passed, a few people would smile or say good afternoon. To which we would reply, or at least, I would and Cayde would do whatever he decided was weird in that moment.

Though, that's why I love him.

It's weird to say it. That I love him, he's someone to love for me. He's kind, funny, smart, a goofball. And he's handsome, for an exo. When I first met him, I though he'd give up on me. Though, he stayed with me through the end. 

I'm not totally fixed, not all the way. There are still a few things that I need help with, but I'll get through it. Just as long as Cayde's by my side every step of the way.

When we reached the ramen shop, Cayde almost ran inside. I chuckled at the excited exo. He was such a man-child.

We immediately got a table, and Cayde ordered for the both of us. He must remember what he got me last time because I couldn't. It had been that first day when he had brought me here, when he noticed I hadn't eaten in days.

I began to wonder what he thought of me when he first saw me. Did he think I was pathetic? Did he think I was a sorry excuse for a guardian? Or did he think I was a lost cause and that he was bound to give up on me?

I was curious, but I didn't want to push.

But apparently, I was staring because Cayde began speaking. "What?" He asked, "Do I have something on my face?"

I snapped out of it then. "Uh...no." I said. "I was just thinking."

"Thinking of what?" He asked, sitting forward and leaning his elbows on the table.

I sat back on my chair and narrowed my eyes. "Wouldn't you like to know." I teased and looked out the window.

I saw out of the corner of my eye as Cayde snickered and narrowed his eyes too. "I would like to know." He said, bringing me back to look at him. "I'm curious."

I didn't know if I wanted to ask. I didn't know if I wanted to know. Because I didn't want it to change anything. But I ended up asking anyway. Screw it. "What did you think of me?" I asked. "When you first saw me, I mean."

Cayde seemed somewhat taken aback by the question, and went to lean back against his chair. "Well..." He trailed off. I could see that he was trying to think of what to say. He was trying to word it all in that brain of his.

"When I first saw you, I thought you were devastated." He said. I decided to listen intently. Because what he could say, could change things. If he saw me this way, maybe others did too. "You looked like you needed help, and you looked like you were a lost cause to anyone. But, I found myself needing to help you...like you just needed someone to rescue you from something you had no control of."

"So I went to Zavala, asked to help you, and then I came." He said. "If you're wondering if I thought you were someone that couldn't be saved, or if you thought you were pathetic because that ain't it."

I looked down at the table, chewing on my bottom lip. "What about me?" He ended up asking. I looked back up at him.

"What do you mean?" I asked, furrowing my brow.

"What did you think of me when I knocked on your door that day?" Cayde asked. 

I was honestly somewhat shocked that he would ask that. Unless he was just as curious as I am. I didn't think someone like him would wonder what people think of him. When I first saw him, I thought he was somewhat of an asshole. 

But, that was because I had been under a lot of emotions and when he said that he was going to be coming by again and that he was going to take me out of the apartment, I thought that he was just an asshole.

It took my a moment, and I laughed to myself before speaking. "I honestly thought you were an asshole." I said.

Cayde's brows raised, but not in shock. "You thought I was an asshole?"

I nodded my head. "Yep."

"Why?" He asked.

Before I could answer, they brought out our ramen and I waited for them to leave until I spoke again.

"Well you randomly showed up after the three months of me being alone, and you up and said that you were gonna get me out of the apartment, or you would drag me out if I refused." I said and then pursed my lips. "So I thought you were an asshole."

Cayde nodded his head in understanding as he started to eat his ramen. He sighed in contentment as he continued eating.

I chuckled to myself as I started to eat my own ramen.

It was delicious. Now I know why Cayde likes it so much. The first time I had had it, I hadn't thought it was that good. But that was when I couldn't stop and enjoy some of the small things in life. Some of the things that I normally would have been able to enjoy if Flynn and everyone else hadn't died that day.

I still believed that I should have died with them. That I should have been gone too. That I shouldn't be here right now to be a burden on Cayde. 

"Are you okay?" Cayde's voice flooded to my ears.

I perked my head up, looking into his blue eyes. I smiled and nodded my head. "Yeah." I said, though it was a lie. But I think this time, Cayde believed it.

He went back to eating his ramen, and speaking that nonsense of his that always made me laugh. I went along with it, just to not make him worry. He'd already helped me, he'd been there for me plenty of times now. I'd give him a break for once. 

I'd live.


	9. "I love you too."

Three more weeks had passed, and I thought that I was finally okay. I wasn't good, I wasn't fine, I was living and I was okay. I still had the haunting memories, and the faint feeling of emptiness, but I was doing okay.

Cayde hadn't healed all of me, not yet at least, but I was getting there. 

But there was still that feeling of regret, that maybe I was betraying Flynn. By loving someone else after everything he'd done for me. I had loved him, and now I was loving someone else.

Yeah, I loved Cayde. It felt weird, my own vanguard. I love him, he helped me through a dark place, and now I was here. I didn't know what to do, I didn't know how I was supposed to feel. Am I supposed to be happy? Am I supposed to just move on and continue loving Cayde?

It all felt wrong.

I didn't know what to do. I was confused, and frustrated. I want to love him, but I shouldn't. I shouldn't because I loved Flynn. But then again, Flynn was gone.

Glass shattered, pieces fell down. I looked down, realizing what I had done. I had broken the bathroom mirror again, and its pieces sat in the sink. My knuckles were bleeding, and I felt empty and frustrated again.

Why was I such a screw up?

Lucas came into the bathroom, hearing the sound. He was concerned, asking if I was okay. I just told him not to worry, and that I was okay. He asked if he could heal the cuts on my knuckles, I told him no.

I'd leave them, and they'd be another reminder of what I can do.

There was a knock on my door, and I almost didn't notice it. 

"Kesia?" Cayde's voice floated through the door. "Will you let me in please? I'm bored out here and I want to do something."

I almost groaned. I didn't need Cayde coming in here and being all Cayde like. Smirking and snickering, laughing and joking. I didn't need to continue falling in love with him, because it was somewhat killing me. 

But still, I found myself going to the door, and opening it. Cayde went to speak, but stopped at the sight of me. His brow narrowed, "Are you okay?"

I shook my head silently. Then I said, "I broke the mirror again."

He looked at my hand immediately. "Oh, Kesia." He said as he took my hand in his own. "Why did you do that?" He asked as he moved us both into my apartment and shut the door with his foot. 

I shrugged. "I got frustrated with my thoughts." Was all I could say. How do I tell him that I was thinking about my love for him? How did I tell him I punched the god damned mirror because I thought it was wrong to love him?

"What thoughts?" Cayde asked as he brought me over to the cabinet where I put all the bandages. We had both agreed to do it, just in case I started to cut up my arms again. That if I started I was to put these on after every time.

I sighed. "I can't tell you."

"Sure you can." Cayde said, giving me his award winning smile. I knew he would tell me that I could tell him anything, and usually I can. But this time, I can't.

"No, Cayde." I sighed. "I can't." I walked away from him, moving to go toward my couch. I wish he would just leave me alone. Today wasn't a good day for me. Something was wrong, and I couldn't tell what it was. It wasn't just that I realized I loved him, and that I felt like I was betraying Flynn, but there was something else.

Like a lingering feeling that something bad would happen to me.

I folded my arms over my chest, keeping my back toward Cayde. Though, I could hear his footsteps as he walked toward me. "Kesia." He sighed, I felt his hand take my arm to try to turn me around, but I pulled away from him.

"Don't Kesia, me." I snapped. "You have no idea what I'm going through right now. It's all eating me up and I can't take it right now!"

Cayde backed up in surprise of my outburst and his eyes widened. "Kesia? What are you talking about?"

I groaned loudly. "I'm talking about the fact that I can't be anywhere near you anymore."

Cayde's eyes scrunched up in confusion. "Why can't you be near me?" He asked. "What are you talking about?" He then demanded as he started to walk toward me.

I walked away from him, "I can't tell you!"

"What is so important to you that you can't tell me!?"

"I just can't tell you!"

He grabbed onto my shoulders and yelled as he shook me. "Why can't you be near me!?"

"Because I love you!!" I yelled back.

The both of us stopped. And time itself seemed to stop too. My eyes widened, as did his. The both of us stood there, until the tears started to pour down my cheeks and Cayde seemed to soften up.

"Kesia." He said softly. For a moment, I thought he was going to say that he didn't feel the same, and I was about to pull away from him, but he pulled me against his chest.

His arms wrapped around me, and for a moment, I sat there, stiff. But then I melted into him, and I rested my head against his shoulder, facing his neck. His hood had fallen off when he had gone to stop me.

I wrapped my arms around his back, and he had started to make the two of us sway softly. I continued to cry. The feeling of him pressed against me was comforting, and I had needed it. I just needed him to hold me now. And having him not reject me, was the best feeling today.

"I love you too." He whispered. 

I sobbed and held onto him tighter, making him grow closer to me. Its been a long time since I've heard anyone say those words to me. They were greatly needed. Because ever since Flynn and everyone else died, I haven't felt loved. I haven't felt needed. This was all I need.

He continued to sway the two of us. I stopped crying a few minutes later, and we continued to sway. Then Cayde pulled back, "Why couldn't you tell me? Why did you say you couldn't be near me because you loved me?"

I put my forehead on his chest and looked down. "Because I feel like I'm betraying Flynn." I mumbled, almost to where I couldn't even hear myself. Though I know he heard me because he sighed.

"Don't you think Flynn's the kind of man that would want you to move on?" Cayde asked. He didn't try to move my face to look at him, he let me keep my head on his chest. I was thankful for that.

"He is. I know he is. But there's still that feeling of it." I replied. "It's what made me punch the mirror, it's what made me fight with you, and it's what made me so frustrated today."

"I never really knew Flynn, but I knew who he was, what he was like." Cayde said, I finally pulled back from his chest, looking up at him as he spoke. "And I know he'd want you to be happy. Even if that means falling in love with someone else."

I nodded my head slowly. "I can't believe I just confessed." I said, then I smiled sadly. "What do we do now?"

Cayde raised a brow. "Well," he said. "I don't really know either." He then shrugged.

I smiled despite the tear stains on my cheek and I looked down. We both still had are hands wrapped around each other. I looked up at Cayde, smiling sadly. "Can we dance again?" I asked quietly. That had been something I've never done before, and something that I like despite the circumstances.

Cayde smiled and nodded his head. He wrapped his arms tighter around me, and I did the same before setting my head on his shoulder. He started to sway the two of us back and forth, and I breathed in and closed my eyes.

These moments were the best. Where you could always just sit and stay with the person you love. Where you can just sit in silence and enjoy life around you.

I couldn't tell you how many times I had watched the stars in silence with Flynn next to me. It had been one of the greatest moments of my life. We always did that, going up to the roof of the Tower and sitting down. Or we'd go out to the EDZ and find some place where there wasn't any fallen there to kill us.

We had a special hill that had always been ours. We'd go there every now and then, and we'd just sit.

I wanted to take Cayde to that place. Even if it had been mine and Flynn's before all this happened, but now it could be mine and Cayde's. Because I don't know how long we're going to be alive, and I can't just sit here and sulk about Flynn all the time.

He may have been my first love, but Cayde's right. Flynn would want me to move on, to find joy in this life once again.

I didn't find it in some object or picture or something else. But rather I found it in a person, and that person was holding on to me right now.

I'd love him forever.


	10. "Ca-Cayde! You're-you're goi-going to make me p-pee!"

Ever since Cayde and I had said that we loved each other, things have changed. Cayde calls me babe now, and we're dating according to him, and me I guess. It's weird to think about it. It's been so long since I've ever had a significant other, months really.

I didn't truly know how I feel about it, and Cayde knows that. He said he'd give me time to get used to it, because he knew how hard it would be to get back into that state. Because Flynn had left such an impact on my life, and I just didn't want to ruin anything.

Hell I didn't even know if I was comfortable with it yet. I was iffy, and I was just barely getting back on my feet. It was still nerve racking, going outside, seeing people. It all didn't just go away now that I've confessed loving Cayde. If only things worked that way.

I didn't want Cayde missing things out. There could be some other girl out there, someone more stable and perfect for him. I was a screw up, I was a mess. Why did it have to be me? Why couldn't he have ran into a girl that wasn't like me. He'd be so much happier in life.

I looked out the window in my apartment. Cayde had just left, saying he had to go to a meeting that he was more than likely just going to fall asleep in. 

Cayde had stayed the night here last night, and we had both fallen asleep on the couch together. I had woken up first, after one of my usual nightmares. I at least hadn't woken up Cayde when I jumped. 

I had leaned forward, seeing that I was practically laying on top of the sleeping exo. He was snoring softly, and I hadn't known that exo's could actually snore. I guess Bray wanted to make them a lot like us than I had thought.

Either way, he looked like such a doof. One arm was bent and laying on his face while the other one was under him and hanging off the edge of the couch. His back was pressed against the body of the couch and both his legs were bent.

I didn't know how he slept comfortably like that, but he did. 

I smiled at the thought as I looked out the window again. I truly did love the exo, but it was hard to take it. I mean, I loved Flynn, and now I love someone else. Is this how it all works out? Is this what it's all supposed to be like.

I'm confused, and I'm frustrated, and I'm so many other things and it's all building up and I don't know where to put it. There's another thing to be confused about. Do I tell Cayde about everything that's going on in my mind right now? Or do I keep it to myself.

I leaned my head on the wood of the windowframe. I sighed to myself. What is going on with me? For a few weeks there, I had thought that I was getting better. I thought that things were going to be fine. Now I'm here.

Lucas came floating out and hovered in front of me.

"Are you okay?" He asked tentatively.

I pursed my lips and shook my head. "I don't know what I am."

"I'm here, if you want to talk about it." He said softly.

Lucas is the only person that's been there for me since the beginning, literally. He was the one that brought me back, he was the one that explained everything to me about what was going on. I used to always confide in him, but since Flynn's and everyone else's deaths, I just hadn't been able to.

It had taken a lot out of me, and there is still a lot that needs to be fixed. I just hope Cayde can get me back together because I can't do it myself. It's like I'm trying, but the weight of everything just doesn't let me finish.

I hadn't known how much time had passed, but Cayde ended up walking through the door and then flopping down on the couch face down. I watched him the entire time with a raised brow and a smile.

"That boring, huh?" I asked as I got up and walked over to the couch. 

Cayde mumbled something incoherent through the couch cushines. "What was that?" I asked, moving to crouch by his head.

He turned his head toward me and opened his eyes. "I fell asleep, and Zavala hit my head with some papers, hard."

Then he turned his face back into the cushines. I rolled my eyes with a smile as I went to stand up. Suddenly, something grabbed my leg and I was pulled down on the couch. I let out a yelp as it happened, and suddenly Cayde was facing me.

I had no idea how the hell he did that, but he somehow did. We were face to face, and I looked right in his eyes and waited for whatever he was planning.

Suddenly, hands gripped my sides, and they started to tickle whatever spot they could find. My eyes widened and I went to grab Cayde's hands to try to pull them away from my sides. Because I was extremely ticklish and I would die.

He pushed my onto my back and continued to attack my sides. I was roaring with laughter and screaming with glee all the while trying to pry his hands off of my sides.

"Ca-Cayde! You're-you're goi-going to make me p-pee!" I exclaimed through bursts of laughs.

He smirked and continued going and I tried in vain to get up and run away from him, but he just tugged me down by my hips and hovered over me. Luckily, when he did that he stopped.

Our eyes stared at each others, and I became very aware of how close we were. 

Suddenly a flash of memory flowed through my mind. I could see Flynn there, instead of Cayde. And then I was thrust back into reality. I didn't want to ruin the moment, but the feelings became too much to handle.

Cayde must have seen something flash in my eyes because his gaze softened. "What wrong?" He asked as he sat up and pulled me up with him.

"I-I don't want to ruin the moment." I said softly. It was true, I didn't want to. We were having fun and then I had to go and get emotional.

"Hey." Cayde said, bringing my attention back to his face. "You can ruin any moment if you need to. You know that."

I sighed and looked down again. "It's nothing." I said, lying through my teeth.

Cayde's hands gripped the sides of my face, making me look at him. "I know it's not nothing, Kesia. Tell me what's wrong."

"I just--" I cut myself off, trying to find the words. "I don't know what going on!" I exclaimed.

Cayde put his hands down to just listen to what I had to say.

"I thought I was fine a few weeks ago, now I'm not fine." I began. "I feel frustrated, and depressed, and confused. I just don't know what to do. I don't know how to fix myself. I don't even know if I can be fixed, Cayde!"

"And I don't want you to miss out on things in this life because you're always taking care of me." I continued. By now the tears were falling, and I felt even more frustrated now. "There could be plenty of girls out there that could give you the time of your life, and you're stuck here with a screw up."

Cayde shook his head and he took my hands in his own. "I don't want any of the other girls out there." He said. "I want you, and only you. Because you bring me a lot more joy in this life than you think."

"But I'm a screw up." I tried to say.

Cayde shook his head again and stopped me before I could go on. "You are not a screw up, Kesia." He said. "You might think you are, but you aren't. And if you think I'd trade you for anyone else, I wouldn't. Because I love you, and I'll take all of you broken parts or not over any other whole girl."

I'm sick of crying, I'm sick of always feeling this way. I want it all to stop, I want to enjoy life, not hate it. I want to enjoy everything I can with Cayde, and not always think that I'm betraying Flynn.

"Aren't you tired of me always breaking down?" I asked quietly, almost whispering the words.

Cayde sighed. "You could break down everyday for the rest of our lives and I'd never get sick of it."

"You're just saying that." I said, Cayde reached forward and gripped the sides of my face again, softly. He began running his thumbs over my cheeks in a comforting manner.

"No. I'm not." He said sternly. "You could scream and yell and cry everyday for the rest of our lives and I'd never get sick of any of it. I'll be with you through everything. I've been with you for this, and I'll be with you for anything else. Till the day I die."

I put my own hand on one of his own and leaned into the touch of the other one. I didn't deserve this man. He was too good for me, he was too good for this world. I hope he gets everything this world has to give. With or without me.

I smiled at him, "You always know how to make me feel better."

"I always know how to do everything." Cayde said in a cocky tone of voice. I shook my head at him, and he put his hands down. "I'm that awesome, aren't I?"

"That's what you think." I said as I went to stand up.

Arms wrapped around my waist and I was pulled down onto the couch again, just to start another tickle war.


	11. "Good job on killing me."

Cayde and I were now in the EDZ, where Cayde had decided that we would fight each other instead of the fallen. 

I haven't been able to face the fallen, I'd freeze up and I would never be able to take a single shot at one of them. Every time, I'd freeze and then I'd get shot at and Cayde had finally called it good.

So we're going to train by shooting and killing each other. Cayde said he won't hesitate to kill me, so I said I wouldn't hesitate either. Cayde also said that whoever shot the other person, gets to get two hundred glimmer. I'm going to win that glimmer.

They said I was the best hunter in the Tower, let's see if they were right.

Cayde stood on one side of the clearing, and I stood on the other. The both of us had our hand canons out and ready to begin. There were no rules, except that the fight stopped as soon as one of us was down.

I couldn't wait to beat my own vanguard.

It wasn't that Cayde wasn't a good fighter, instead he was a great one. He moved with ease, and anything that came into his path was killed with one swipe of his blade. Though, I was faster and smarter than him. Less cocky.

"Are you ready?" Cayde called from the other side of the clearing.

"Yeah! Are you?" I called back, making sure Three of Hearts was loaded.

Cayde nodded his head, sending me a wicked grin.

The two of us started without even a 'go!'

Cayde shot first, trying to hit my shoulder with a bullet, but I moved fast enough to get out of the way as I pulled the trigger of Three of Hearts.

The bullet sang through the air, and Cayde wasn't fast enough because the bullet embedded itself into the shoulder that he was aiming for on me. He stopped for a moment, moving his hand to his shoulder where the black like liquid he used as blood began to seep out.

He looked at me in shock. "How the hell did you?" He stopped himself short, narrowing his eyes at me. "Oh you're getting it now."

All I did was smirk.

Cayde took a few more shots at me, some of them grazing me or missing me entirely. He was a great shot, it's just that I was faster than most hunters. We had ended up getting close to each other, and ended up using our knives a lot more.

Cayde drew out a dagger, and threw it through the air. His accuracy was perfect, but I was faster. I moved my head to the right as the dagger flew through the air, at the same time, I pulled out my own blade and threw it at him as well.

Cayde's dagger sliced through part of my ear, making the edge of it bleed. My dagger plunged itself right into Cayde's thigh. He hadn't been paying attention, electing to watch his own blade sing and didn't move out of the way of my own blade.

Cayde hissed and pulled the blade out of his thigh before looking up at me. I smirked and pulled out Three of Hearts quickly before shooting him in his other thigh. He hadn't even had the chance.

He fell onto the ground, landing on his back. I was on top of him in an instant, aiming my Three of Hearts to his chest.

His eyes were wide as they looked into my own, and I smirked down at him. "Guess you win." He said somewhat breathlessly.

"You owe me two hundred glimmer." I said before I pulled the trigger.

But when I did, the world erupted into darkness.

Suddenly flashes of images flashed through my mind. A dark room, a hole in a wall, debris littered the ground. Then there was a gun cast off onto the ground. Then there was a body, but I couldn't make out who it was. A man stood over the body, and pointed a gun at it. Then there was nothing.

I gasped when I opened my eyes, and fell down onto the ground. I placed the palms of my hands on the ground to keep me sitting up. Sundance had just brought Cayde back, and when he looked at me, I wiped the look off my face and decided to smirk.

I didn't need him worrying about me, not today.

"Good job on killing  me." Cayde said as he stood up, he walked forward and put his hand out to help me up.

I gladly took it, and he brought me to my feet. "Good job on letting a girl kill you."

"I was going easy on you." Cayde said, making it seem like it was no big deal.

"Sure you were." I said as I turned around and began walking toward the ship. I heard Cayde's rushing footsteps as he went to catch up with me. He walked next to me, close enough that our hands would brush every now and then.

"You know," Cayde began, making me look up at him. "You are a really good fighter. I don't know why you're still freezing up when we get to the fallen. It's like you just suddenly don't remember how to fight, clearly you do."

I shook my head and pursed my lips, thinking. I didn't know what was wrong with me and the fallen. I didn't know if it was just that I thought they were going to kill me, and I just freeze, or if it's something else.

I'm still confused and frustrated about certain things. It's just another thing for me to be confused about I guess. 

"I don't know why either." I said as I shrugged and shook my head, looking back up at him. I sighed. "It's something we should figure out later. There's gotta be something deep down that's blocking me from fighting fallen."

"Maybe we could try fighting some cabal." Cayde offered. I pursed my lips, it sounded like a good job. Maybe it would work, maybe it won't. Might as well try.

"We should try it." I said. I glanced sidelong at him. "I feel like a lab rat. Like I'm an experiment." It wasn't a comment that I didn't like, and in fact the smile on my face made Cayde chuckle.

"In a way, you kinda are." Cayde said, smirking.

My eyes widened and my jaw dropped. I hit him in the shoulder with the back of my hand, "Rude."

Cayde laughed loudly as we started walking into the ship. "You said it first."

"You confirmed it." I said back, sticking my tongue out at him.

I went to sit in the pilots seat while Cayde sat in the auto-pilot seat. I began to get the ship ready to start and set off for the Tower. "You should buy me some ramen when we get back." I said as I glanced at Cayde.

But, the exo was snoring softly with his head hanging off the back of the chair and the rest of him was slumped on the seat. I rolled my eyes, chuckling. He was the cutest person I had ever seen and I just wanted to take a pic of that.

"Lucas." I whispered, keeping quiet. 

"On it." Lucas said as he floated up toward Cayde, already knowing what I was going to ask. Sundance came out too, looking at her guardian and making a chuckling sound. 

"You should send that to me." Sundance said.

I hadn't known that ghost's could share pictures, but I guess they can.

There was a flash, and Lucas said he got it before they both disappeared down the ship and floated around wherever they went. They had been getting along very well since Cayde and I got together. 

I was happy to know that they liked each others company.

I shook my head, smiling. Life right now, wasn't so bad. I just hope nothing goes wrong anytime soon. I was happy with Cayde, he makes me feel a lot better than I used to feel. He makes me feel happy, full, and free.

I used to be confined to anger, sadness, grief. I was locked up in my room, in myself in fact. I was so caught up with how I was feeling, and too much of it was bottled up. 

Cayde gets it out, he's slowly making it all go away and I'm so glad that he's here. Flynn was one of those people, he got my anger out of me, my sadness. Now that he's gone, I have Cayde to do that for me.

Maybe things are going to start looking up from here. I was already downed, and now the only way to go is up.

There might be some bad bumps in the road ahead, but I'll be able to get over them as long as I'm with Cayde.

I glanced over at the sleeping exo, and smiled as I lifted the ship off and flew toward the Tower. He was all I needed, he'll be all I need.

**Author's Note:**

> Hoped you like it!!! Stay tuned for more because I will write more!!


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